Love, Past, Single? 

Hello! Today will be a little different as i promised i’ll be opening about my life bit by bit and you prolly know i am on the process of being anxiety-free and i am that kind of person who really don’t care when it comes to love. 

The first time i come out of my shell in years, i can’t even believe i’m confessing everything here. To make it more detailed i’ll put the dates and the years so that you won’t be confused. 

For now let us start with 2014 era, i re-entered the RPW (Roleplaying World) that year and became fond of everything korean (as i am still now today) i started making an account under the name Krystal Na Ulan  and eventually became a part of a RPW Group called Fxism (since Krystal is from Fx) i met this Gdragon RP that caught my attention because of rude way talking to people, to girls and mainly everyone. 

He’s cool actually i’m not saying that i was into bad boys back then but when you talked to him you’ll notice the shyness. Also i learned that love was forbidden on that world (because that was just an escape world for almost everyone) and since i was so immature back then i entered into the forbidden relationshiop and yes it lasted for months and ended because the boy got his account disabled but that’s not counted right i mean that’s not the real world. So i left the world and worked on my Wattpad Account and started to write stories and i met this real person in the year  2015 where everything started abruptly. 

He is the type of guy that is shy yet gentleman (lol what am i doing) if you’re with me since 2015 you’ll see that on my past post i had put a conversation between me and him when the story happened. I’ll put the picture down below so that you know what was the convo like. 

Of course the blue one was me. 

Moving on to the story we became together exactly January 2, 2016. How uncanny that i still remember every bit of the love story despite of everything but unfortunately things got mixed up broke early February  2016 but that is not the catch guys. 

By March  2016 i received a consoling text message from him, so we texted back together (note that this relationship was a Long Distance Relationship) and yes we gathered ourselves and got into the relationship once more. By that time i  my last year in college but he’s full support so i need to do my best as he created a good impression too to his colleagues on his school so i did my best. Through ups and downs we have each other and everything so we decided to report everything on each other i am having a nostalgic moment here. 

For the more “masakit parts” here is a gallery of how we interacted back then. 

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Of course a couple will have its downfall too, but in our case we never got back together. December  2016 marks the end of our relationship, due to numerous fights and everything we just kept hurting each other me depressed of my teaching career while him on his work as a supervisor. 

We confronted each other just this year to clear things up and recently a friend reached out to him but the answer to my question wasn’t answered. We chose to kept things private, we do loved each other but maybe its time to finally let him go i said to myself when i was contemplating. We agreed to close things up, forget each other. 

I once told him that if destiny wants us together then we will be back on each other’s arms soon. 

For now i am happy being single, still looking for work and the same time doing vlogs, blog entries, writing and many many more. Its not that i want him back on my life but to think our petty fight that day was just normal, can’t we have a second chance too? But nevertheless i am here conquering what my life should be. 

Maybe someday our paths wil cross again together. By the way his name is Kean so i was really awkward when people calls someone with the same name.

Kean is such a nice man, i’m naming him not because i wanted to brag but to tell he’s a wonderful person inside and out. 


Alright! Finally! What a blog, i hope you like this entry today because going out of my shell is something extra ordinary. 


Kdrama Review: Criminal Minds

To tell you the truth it was really hard to criticize this remake because i am so hesitant. I’m a die-hard Lee Joon Gi fan and a Moon Chae Won fan but yeah please keep on reading to know my thoughts. 

Also thanks to kdramacache’s CM Review my mind lit up for a bit because we basically share the same thoughts about this kdrama. 

So, this will be a honest review without pictures to play with just pure words that prolly can make you back out watching Criminal Minds. Being a fan of the US Version i have a lot of thoughts to say on this entry and i’m not gonna waste every detail of it. 

I was so happy when i heard the news that Criminal Minds will have a remake in Korea but as we all know Korea is known for having crappy-adaptations of US Shows but since my Chaeki heart sunk on that month i decided to give it a try since it stars with Lee Joon Gi and Moon Chae Won. Like i hope it can heal my broken heart rather than breaking it all over again. 


A group of highly trained profilers unfolding cases day by day.



Okay i am gonna start with how the production was made and all i can say it is really really crappy, writings, scripts, action. When you’re doing a crime/legal related Kdrama you should use multiple cameras but in Criminal Minds they only used a single camera which is only good for mini- kdramas/ 1980s set Kdramas. With that the production was such a flop, i remember they had changed producers and the first producer did a great job as the first episode was quite booming but when they changed producers that’s when all the content start to be shitty. 

Unarranged events, unarranged cases are so not a good way to capture CM US fans (i am sorry i just need to compare it) to love this remake. If only they had connected those cases to the Reaper there might be a chance of high ratings but no they chose to go with the flow of shitty writing. 

Editing, editing! Few weeks ago, my twitter friends and i are aguing over an episode where a freaking Ep. 4 (clothing) got inserted to Ep. 15 i was like “Woah! Editing hole there” that moment when i realized that they don’t have a time filming that scene so they just get a random cutted scene somewhere on the first episodes they thought viewers wont notice but we noticed! Lol! I feel like they shoot different scenes on one day like Ep. 16 and Ep. 20 on one day or Ep. 17 and 12 in one day you know to randomly say that they filmed. I feel bad for the actors Criminal Minds is such a nice show, if you look at the US Version (Romance, Drama, Action) is its genre and why the dire did they chose not to put Romance when on the original Shemar Moore is overflowing with a lot of romance? I don’t even know. 

Script. Storyline and etc are a downfall, the actors are great and people are great but the script? Hello, you just made Moon Chae Won the hate-able character on the whole kdrama i am so depressed while watching it like torturing me over and over again. 


Let us start with Kang Ki Hyung/TL Kang i just love his character but on the first episode he was depressed too like he blamed his self about the bombing so he’s developing stress and all anyways rather than that he’s not the most likeable character (though you see me tweeting about him). He’s kinda stiff too as for me, Hyun Joon on the other hand have this kind of power but i can’t just fathom what the hell is he on that kdrama: a profiler, detective, police, magician just what is he? I was having second thoughts when he started became an NCI Member like ohooh interesting but a flop too, plus when he was arrested during the Ep. 14 and about the Nadeul River Case (i’ll pour everything on that case later so watch out!) ~. 

Both of them are lacking aspects you know so hard to understand (lol i am brutally honest here you see). 

Okay so Sunwoo, the most hateable character can i just say that she flop here you know all of her kdramas are top-rated especially Innocent Man but what happened to her? She’s not comfortable on her character though when she’s with Joon Gi everything is sparking yet everything about a Sunwoo lacks. 

Nana is also something what does she do aside from hacking? Same as with Minyoung and Han they wasted a lot of frames with Minyoung just being the target (i’m sorry for Lee Sun Bin fans) i am very very dissappointed that Criminal Minds centered everything to Yoo Min Young during the latter episodes, i mean what is the purpose? Do we have to see her suffering all the time and the lead got to be forgotten well in that case they did make us forget about Sun Woo. The writers are so fond of Yoo Min Young that i even thought she’s the lead girl instead of Sun Woo, how strange right? 

While in Han’s case, he’s just there doing nothing and just standing and thinking COME ON DR. SPENCER REID is an agent too atleast based Han’s character on the original but no they didn’t they put up a very ridiculous script and messing the whole CM. I’m just so sad that this had been a great drama if the producer (1st) didn’t stepped down to be honest that producer was great than the current. 

I can feel the flop on the eyes of the actors, those are the things that made me rage about this kdrama. I told you i’m gonna be honest but this is the most interesting part that had to occur on the kdrama. 

Nadeul River.

I was actually waiting for the Nadeul River to be opened and on some episodes at the first airing they had shown this but you know just bits of it and on the other hand i felt betrayed seeing Kim Hyun Joon being arrested like what the hell tactic is so so a wrong move, Hyun Joon was detained and NCI Members profiled him (Team Leader) but this should be a collab between Hyunjoon and Sun Woo tbh i waited and even posted some ideas on Amino Kdrama Blog and Facebook Post on what is the truth about the case so i am wrong those speculations are wrong. They had gave us a flopping case there should be an interaction between Sun Woo and Hyun Joon since both of them have personal relationships with the victim but they didn’t chose to do that instead showed Team Leader and Hyun Joon instead. I just hoped they used Sun Woo as the bait and the one who interrogated Hyun Joon it could have been a massive explosion of emotions from the past lover to the bestfriend again they didn’t do it and much worst is they had closed the Nadeul River in just 2 episodes how awesome? Closing a 14-year old case that easy? Without even asking Sunwoo’s feelings. I understand that there are no romance but clearly seeing how Sun Woo and Hyun Joon interacted on the field they’ll be a couple in no time. 

I’m so dissappointed with the case like i hate it i even dropped the idea of finishing it because the expectations are like “Wait! What the hell?! That’s it?!” Hyun Joon pleaded innocent but how about Sun Woo? Shouldn’t she be the one to clear things for Hyun Joon. Oh gosh! Drove me to craziness. But Nadeul River is such a fuss and a flop for me and don’t blame me. 

R E A P E R A R C 

The reaper arcs are very lame super lame up to the point i just want to turn off the tv and forget Criminal Minds but one thing that is just catchy about the reaper is the wild grin but nothing special about that. The scenes suck from beginning to end (lol so brutal) he’s not scary like when you see him on the street you be like “Oh Reaper! The Brainless Reaper!” — 

Team Leader’s PTSD.

I am just going to point this out he’s suffering PTSD after her wife died but still continue working despite of memos about taking a leave or leaving NCI. I’m kinda impressed with the coping system but a man with a PTSD don’t act like TL does (based on the patients we have seen) so it looks so unreal and the rage is not there usually if someone killed your wife, parent, child etc. you will developed a rage and the desire to kill but after that freaking episode the Reaper was forgotten i didn’t know why but it took 10 episodes before Reaper shows up and that’s a no no for me and not convincing. 

Final Thoughts

After a very brutal review i’m gonna end it here well you see its just kdrama but the cast are golden and some are just rising stars so this will be considered as a flop on their careers like Criminal Minds Korean Remake was a total disaster but being a Joon Gi Fan and a Chae Won fan they did a great job even they just executed a very bad script. 

Kdrama Rating

☆/☆☆☆☆☆ [1/5]

P.S I’ll just mention that i had loved the NCI Squad and i appreciate then. 

Kdrama Review: Girls Generation 1979

​Annyeong~Yeorobun! ♡ Today i decided to make a review about Girls Generation 1979. If you are an avid Kdrama watcher like me you know that the kdrama had ended yesterday with only 8 episodes since it is just a mini kdrama. Now there are some points that i love about the kdrama and also if you haven’t watched this kdrama click this link here and you’ll be redirected to kissasian for a more clearer watch Girls Generation 1979 and to avoid spoilers. 

Let’s start! 

P L O T ♡

Story is set in Daegu, South Korea during the 1970’s. Lee Jung-Hee is in the 2nd grade of high school. She has a bright personality and is the second daughter of a family who runs a underwear factory. She and her friends go through adolescence.


No. Of Episodes: 8

Started Airing: September 11- October 03, 2017

Genre: Youth, Coming-of-age, Teen, Romance, Drama


C H A R A C T E R S ♡

Now for the characters there are a bunch of extras in this Kdrama, rather than putting all of those i just picked out some extras that i know matters in the story more. 

Bona (Cosmic Girls)  as Lee Jung Hee 

Lee Jung Hee is an eighteen year old 2nd year high school who is exploring her teenage life. 

THOUGHTS: Well, i really love Bona here maybe its a bit awkward at first. She looks like Daegu’s Venus friend too (i thought t’was her) She’s very cheerful, energetic and of course a little lazy. You know being lazy at a highschool life is very very common plus the dates that occur on the story. Well, i think there are 2 when Dong Moon appeared and Son Jin appeared. Bona gave justice to Lee Jung Hee if you read the novel Bona is the perfect Lee Jung Hee. 

Chae Seo Jin as Jung Hae Joo 

A normal 18 year old genius from Seoul, who is a daughter of a professor. Son Jin’s first love interest. 

THOUGHTS: I’m not sure but she was called Park Hae Joo there might be some mistakes but okay, Hae Joo is like a modernized girl like from the future. She’s optimistic but judging on what i heard when she came to her new school. I know at some point she’ll be problematic and it turns out that i am right. 

Seo Jin is a new actress i guess, maybe i haven’t seen her from other dramas but playing as Hae Joo is such a nice opportunity she played it well and i must say HaeJoo is my favorite character next to Jung Hee we can’t deny it because Seo Jin’s pretty face is so hard not to love. 

Seo Young Joo as Bae Dong Moon 

Bae Dong Moon is a character that pops up anytime he’s the first date of Jung Hee and that point made me fell for him too. It’s not like Dong Moon isn’t smart ( but he is after that drowning incident of Jung Hee) he showed a lot of competence others are even telling that Dong Moon is being used or had been used. 

Young Joo is a new actor but i’ve seen him as a model and please he’s a man with a 6 pack abs and he’s so manly. The role suits him well and mind the glasses he looks so kyeopta ♡. 

Yeo Hoi Hyeon as Son Jin 

Son Jin a genius kid like Hae Joo, ranks higher than Dong Moon and colleagues to Jung Hee and Dong Moon. 

I have nothing to say but kudos to this guy Son Jin is by far the cutest yet the boring character, he’s not that swooning unlike Bae Dong Moon. A son of a police officer and a disciplined young man but his love for Hae Joo is so worse like please if someone is getting hurt by love just stop. Nonetheless Hoi Hyeon gave justice to Son Jin and also to the song “Danny Boy” which i love dearly. 

Lee Jong Hyun as Joo Young Choon

He is a thug oh just kidding he’s a pharmacy seller and people are judging him because he is a father but little they know that Eng Cho was an orphan and an homeless little girl. Thus, he’s not a thug. Young Choon’s temper is a little bit bad and hot-blooded but it decreases when Eng Cho meets Hae Joo and the closeness grew okay i’m gonna take time with Young Choon. 

He’s the epitome of the “daddy look” been judge yet never stop aiming for goals, Eng Cho isn’t his daughter or a real sister but people in that town are so bothered by his presence like he’s a thug?! Like what the hell people. He’s helping people he had helped Hae Joo been convicted for awhile because of Hae Joo and now calling him useless. Oh dear. But i love their chemistry so so so good. 

Jong Hyun is like shining everytime i see him on screen i forgot the last time i saw him but i remember seeing him on We Got Married that’s what i remember but Jong Hyun really did a great job playing Young Choon.

E X T R A C H A R A C T E R S ♡ 

Okay this is what i’m talking about we’re on the best extra characters i had love on the mini drama. 

Min Do Hee as Sim Ae Sook 

The shortest bully at Jung Hee’s school. She’s smart yet a bully but a soft hearted girl inside. 

You know Ae Sook was Young Choon’s ex right or was i wrong but seeing them as a brother-sister i’m so confused but Ae Sook is a lovable character from the start. 

Do Hee is my spirit animal, she’s so cute and so soft but playing Ae Sook was a bit a nuisance for me not used to her being a bully. 

Jo Byeong Gu as Lee Bong Soo 

Jung Hee’s older twin brother he’s the craziest just like Kibum of Descendants Of The Sun have the guts of natural comedic guy. 

Kwon Hae Yeo as Jung Hee’s Father

I don’t know his name so let’s call him Mr. Lee he is so strict like so strict with Jung Hee and Bong Soo, but there lies a secret to that. I’ll discuss it later. 

Kim Sun Young as Jung Hee’s mother 

Mrs. Lee is very hot tempered but you know when i finished watching the series i felt like Jung Hee’s mother is like my mom who have a lot of patience and everything in this world. 

Park Ha Na as Jung Hee’s Aunt 

The hardworking aunt/ cleaner/ maid who adores Jung Hee so much. 

In Gyo Jin as Oh Man Sang

The teacher whom i hate the most not really because he’s a softy too. 

Jung Hee’s Father – Jung Hee’s Aunt

This is what i’m talking about when i first watched the series, i was like they are always together like their father is caring for the maid but not the family itself. Then when the series ended i realized that it was a common affair. 

Given that Jung Hee’s mom is old and always having the patience, Mr. Lee took the love away and gave it to Jung Hee’s aunt. I cried when the confrontation started because in my family the situation is like that (minus the affair) They are both wrong and admitted it at the end somehow.

Jung Hee’s Mother

You know she’s very patient she knows that her husband is cheating yet she’s still chilling. I love how she handled Jung Hee’s temper when she blurted out about the affair you know the concern is there; the love for the family is there because simply she wants a complete family. 

When she handled JH’s Aunt, i cried a lot because i knew deep inside she was hurt too but since JH’s Aunt is young and have been lured she kept it away and even giving a savings account to her. I wish all of the woman who had been cheated on are like that, no matter how it hurts giving a chance to those who commited mistakes is the best way to release everything. 

L O V E T E A M S ♡ 

How can i forget this. 

Jung Hee x Son Jin

Let’s admit it Jung Hee first fell for Son Jin  but due to the fact Jin likes Hae Joo, Jung Hee stopped what she feels for him. 

Jung Hee x Bae Dong Moon

I just love the both of them from the freaking start to finish i am so impressed why does this a mini kdrama when it can be a 20 episode kdrama. They look so cute together Dong Moon never stopped until he gets Jung Hee’s heart. 

Young Choon x Hae Joo

This is the most romantic part of the whole series two adult minded person twined together to love. The angst, the drama, the hate and everything all in one when it come to them. 

Oh i just wish for them to go on to their life on that 1980s world. 



The part i love well the kdrama gave justice to the novel, despite of having 8 episodes i felt that it has been years. Been transported back in 1980s while watching the kdrama been on the roundabout side of life, felt like not using phones and communicate more with people around me. It is such a heartwarming kdrama from the start to finish  you’ll want more when you finished it actually. 

I just wished this kdrama had been 20 episodes long i just want to see how everyone will grow but the ending is really satisfying and everything. 

I recommend this to everyone this is 10/10 for me. 

I guess that’s it! I hope you like this kdrama as much as i like it. ♡ 


This slideshow requires JavaScript.



Things I’m Grateful For

As you all know i’m adding a year on my age tommorow again so i decided to make a list about what i’m grateful to for the past few months i’ve been on ups and downs and my life had been a roller coaster one. So, keep reading and hope you’ be able to make things like this after you read this. 
Still an INC.  I am grateful that i’m still an Iglesia Ni Cristo member despite of my irresponsibility as a choir member still he is there to guide me all through out my life and with that i am going through my life with such happiness. 

My Parents. I usually don’t thank them personally but i think being on an age like this is such an honor i’m no longer a child. Parents may keep on nagging my Mom, my Father but i am thankful that they’re still with me at this kind of age at their old age. 

House. Our house may not be big but having a safe shelter with a complete family is much more okay rather than living in vain neigborhood where “drugs” exist. This had been our house for more than 8 years now. 

Anxiety. It sounds so stupid that i’m grateful for my anxiety but Anxiety really helped me to grow and be a better person inside and out. I did fell down for the past few years but i fought through it. I tried my best to do everything and yes Anxiety helped me. 

Friends. I am so grateful that i have friends physically, that i can talk with and tell my problems with. Back then i was that little girl avoiding all the people around me and then lately i realized that friends will stay no matter what will you do. 

Eyesight. I have problems with my eyesight starting i learned how to use smartphones there have been problems on how i look on views because clearly i have a cross-eyed situation. But still i am seeing well right now and normally living my life. 

My Body/Health. Even if i don’t have a perfect body still i am eating right, eating balanced. Though being fat sometimes bother me but that is all i get of course i’m still on that dieting phase. 

Cousins. Aside from friends, i am grateful that i have so many many cousins that i love and love me too. For an introvert like me all pressure are into me whenever there are gatherings and such but when i’m with them i am happy. 

FCW Friends. These are my so called online friends from my Mommy Sabrina to Ate Sanchez , Aj, Syke and everyone around a “Vill” on that world i am grateful. 

Twitter Friends. Lately as you know i’m always on Twitter minding Criminal Minds to those people i met Lyra, Anne, Yanny, Kea, Mitzy, Ophelia and etc. I am grateful to all of you guys and also mentioning that Criminal Minds Korea Soompi Staff thanks to all of you my Twitterworld is much happier and also to Seb, a newly found friend of mine it will take long before i meet you but soon (malalaman din natin ang name ng escort sa Miss Q & A) 

WordPress Family. To my readers who had been there since Day one i cannot thank all of you and to those who follows my blog. Arigato Gozaimas. 

Wattpad Family. Without my readers i am nothing, with all the support the hundred thousand reads and such i am grateful to all of you. 

Education. Last but not the least, i am grateful that i took up Special Education though im not yet teaching soon i’ll be one of those teachers who will mark something to the student. 

I guess there are still things that i’m grateful for yet i cannot make a list with an never-ending entry so i keep those to myself and hopefully next year will be another year which will i be more grateful. 

The Liebster Award 2017  [Nomination + Rules + Questions]

​Hello! It’s been a year since you’ve heard about The Liebster Award in which i also received many nominations last year from co-bloggers, now i think it is time to pass this award to other bloggers who started their journey early this year. I am really sorry that you cannot read my “Liebster Award Nomination” last year post because i just cleared my blog but if i receive another nomination this year i will definitely make another one. 



There are a lot of rules that are modified because this chain had been present since WordPress was born but we’re fortunate to find reliable source.

If you have been nominated you have to accept it and of course by means its up to you on how you will present it to your readers. Simply create a blog post and follow the instructions below:

1. Thank the person who nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog.

2. Display the award on your blog — by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget”. (Note that the best way to do this is to save the image to your own computer and then upload it to your blog post.)

3. Answer 11 questions about yourself, which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.

4. provide 11 random facts about yourself.
5. Nominate 5 – 11 blogs that you feel deserve the award, who have a less than 1000 followers. (Note that you can always ask the blog owner this since not all blogs display a widget that lets the readers know this information!)

6. Create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer.

7. List these rules in your post (You can copy and paste from here.) Once you have written and published it, you then 

8. Inform the people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster award and provide a link for them to your post so that they can learn about it (they might not have ever heard of it!) 

N O M I N A T I O N: 

An introvert is going to nominate three random people who just started their blogs this year and for the past few years. 

Both loves the idea of reading poems, letters and even watching movies so. 

I nominate Xoxo, Anxious Girl h p s h e n and last but not the least Ate S’s blog which i forgot the url (sorry ✌)

Now, of course Liebster Awarding is not complete with the Q&A 


11 Questions About Self. 

1. What is your favorite movie scene and why?

2. Favorite Song? 

3. Dog or Cat person? 

4. What makes you happy? 

5. Do you believe in magic?

6. Romance Books that you can suggest? 

7. Favorite Food? 

8. Summer or Winter? 

9. Happiness or Sorrow? 

10. What is/Who is your happy pill? 

11.  Describe yourself ♡

That’s it! I hope this Liebster Award can help you gain followers and readers over a span of time. 

Note: You can display the Liebster Award Badge on your website. 

Save the picture here: 

Spread the love for writing! 

Failures, Family.

People often asked me “Did you even try working inside the house/doing chores?” Sometimes i will jokingly say “I do but i hate it” and then they will give me a “are you even a girl?” In this world that girls are the one who should do chores i am the one who is always wrong. I grew up not used to do chores because being an only child sucks , parents keep on telling me to work around the house but i only knew washing plates, ironing and making the bed but laundry and other stuffs? No! But i do cook sometimes. 

My Mom somehow is a “clean” person her cleanliness is always on point from the house up to the tiniest corner of her blouse. She’s so clean that she does all the work, i wanted to help but she always says no and rejected what i’m doing so i end up just laying in bed all day. This isn’t really the choice i had to take sometimes i begged just to do laundry but in the end she will redo it like how can i even learn if she keeps on interrupting me i’m just adjusting little by little sooner or later those sore hands will be just like mine. I’m depressed with what is happening i feel like the world is against me and all i can do is sit all day. 

They never told me to be better at what i’m doing, they never told me to be more patient on what i am doing thus they raised a lazy child like me wherein at this age i should be the one doing chores not my Mom. You see i’m no better, my life is not on point my family is a little bit awkward and weird to meet and people like us doesn’t deserved praise from others because we’re not the model family everyone thought. I lie, i cheat, i say bad words. 

Mom will say “Wala ka namang ginagawa eh tapos napapagod ka, sinasagad mo pasensya ko” (You aren’t even doing anything yet you’re tired? You’re pushing me to my limits) and i will just be like playing games on my phone. I’d love to offer help but knowing my Mom it will be better if she just leave everything on her side because she knew everything. 

I’m a failure, i’m a jerk, a stupid daughter with the knowledge of just eating and make myself fat. Now you know that i developed anxiety because of my family situation and the people around me, i can change and i can be better but after that what? Only get criticisms for others just because i’m not helping? 

Struggling for almost 23  years of my life, struggling i guess for the rest of my life. My respect is still there i always treat myself as a different person from them or even not related to them like i’m a stupid adopted daughter from an orphanage because i’m fat and useless. 

My life will always be a failure even despite of being a degree holder. 

Battle Against Anxiety Disorder

Today on this entry i will pour what is on my heart, it has been years since i opened up into the public about my fears and yet here i am trying to fight and battle this disorder. 

I am a person with Anxiety Disorder, funny thing is my face doesn’t seem to be convincing but i am a person who keep what is inside me a secret. Let us start back in those days where my genuine smile still shows “Gradeschool” it started when i was a Grade 5 student at a certain public school in Manila people calls me “Autistic” “crazy” “weird” “nerd” because i love reading books but my perception of those words are fully negative because by the time i’m in Grade 6 all of a sudden those words came back haunting me there are those days which i just sit on a corner covering my ears hugging my whole body to prevent the panic i’m feeling inside. Back then i don’t even know the words “panic attacks” and such, i couldn’t move and i couldn’t even cry because one moment i’m happy and one second i am sad. People say “maarte ka lang” but i feel the pain, the lack of air on my chest that heavy feeling, the sweat and everything that makes me wanna kill my life but still i don’t know what is that. 
When i entered highschool it worsened 1st year of highschool got me shocked because i thought discriminations, bullies and others are left in Manila but i’m wrong my Anxiety deepened and no one knew until our Guidance Councilor who is also a registered psych told me i have Anxiety Disorder, i don’t know what it was but hearing those made me shiver because i know that i am normal outside but my emotions will continually  break me. 

I’ve been through a lot no one knew that everytime i was being bullied, i’m always sitting and looking so far that crying isn’t enough to release all the pain. It’s like the pain strucks me so hard but knowing i have this disorder is much painful. I entered 4th year highschool depressed i endured a lot of pain during those times i am aware of my condition all of the people inside the class knew that one day where i just stood there crying pushing everyone away because indeed i’m living with such horrors in my life. It didn’t end there, when they told me i won’t be graduating as a Highschool Student things get mashed up i never answered the teacher but i threw myself on the side and like inviting the darkness that is i knew Anxiety Disorder is not a joke. 

It wasn’t a joke because almost everyday i’m bringing terror and horror to my life, panic attacks are much more serious than the emotional state i’ve been dealing with. I cannot count how many attacks did i have on a year but this year 2017 gave the ultimatum out of me  4 different panic attacks in one day from morning, lunch, dinner and midnight gave me so much chills. 

But you know what i may have Anxiety Disorder still i can lead a normal life now i’ve been panic attack free for the past months and i’m trying my best to fight and learn new things to overcome this disorder. It’ll be hard maybe at first but in the end, i’ll be the one to be happy after all. 

Shoutout to people who have Anxiety Disorder, this battle is for you and for all of us may we lead a normal life soon. Don’t forget that someone will lead you, this post is kinda hard to share but for the sake of those people like me i am blessed.